The Desert of My Dreams

A few weeks ago, Oprah ran two episodes about a set of obese teens. In the first episode, the teens went through a workshop where they talked about their bodies, how they felt about food, and the various problems in their families that contributed to their weight. I found the first episode to be a bit melodramatic. I sort of felt like I was watching a car wreck - disturbing but captivating it in its gruesomeness. In the second episode, a team of experts educated the teens (and their families) about proper nutrition and exercise. After an hour of hearing about wearing a pedometer and getting ideas for healthy snacks and school lunches, one of the obese teenagers asked Dr. Oz about getting gastric bypass.

UGGHHHHHHHHH.

I felt like screaming at the TV, “Were you not listening during the past hour?!?” After all of that (we’re talking expert after expert giving them hints and advice and really useful tips), she asks about gastric bypass. It was almost like she was saying, “Well, that’s all well and good but it really seems like a lot of trouble.” And that attitude is what irritates me about gastric bypass.

It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of gastric bypass. Even when I was at my heaviest and most desperate and when I could have easily done it, I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I chose that route. I’ve been fat my whole life and I can’t think of anything else that I’ve wanted more than to be thin. In fact, somebody with my profile (lifetime of being obese, have tried almost everything to no avail, family history of obesity, family history of heart disease/diabetes) would be the perfect candidate for gastric bypass. I could have done it (and I probably still can). But I didn’t because I was not going to achieve my goal that way.

I’ve worked really hard for most of what I’ve accomplished in my life. Nothing has ever been handed to me. I don’t take the easy way out. I do things the right way. I’m an idealist and I have extremely high standards. Gastric bypass doesn’t feel right to me. I think it is the easy way out. Instead of taking the time (and yes it may take me several years) to understand the root cause of my obesity, I could have just reduced the size of my stomach and forced my body to consume less food. If that’s not the easy way out, I’m not sure what is. We’re talking about mutilating one of your organs. How is that *not* the easy way out?

In my mind, getting gastric bypass is like amputating your leg because you’ve got a few bruises on it. I really don’t think having a large stomach is why people are fat. People are fat because of their behaviors and their lifestyles. Getting gastric bypass isn’t going to change that. I’m not surprised when I hear about people getting the surgery and gaining the weight back after a few years. They attempted to solve the problem by fixing a symptom, not the root issue. If you’re using food to cope with your emotions, then guess what! You’re still going to use food to cope with your emotions, regardless of the size of your stomach.

The medical community seems to be branding it as this quick-fix easy solution to losing weight. I think that’s so irresponsible and frankly the medical community should be ashamed of itself for prescribing it to so many people. Instead of working with patients on modifying their behaviors, we’re giving up on them and simply pointing them to the quickest easiest route. I think gastric bypass is an extreme measure that should only be employed in desperate cases. I’m talking about those bed bound 600+ pound people who could die at any minute. But if you can get your ass to the gym and to a nutritionist’s office (and maybe even a therapist’s couch), then I don’t see any reason why you need to mutilate your body to lose weight.

Losing weight is extremely hard and it takes a long long time. I really don’t think that anybody who’s had gastric bypass can honestly sit there and compare their weight loss with mine. I’ve had to work really really hard to conquer my demeans on my own. There is nothing in my body holding me back from overeating or eating the wrong things. I have to make those decisions myself. And trust me, when I do mess up, I can’t just run an extra mile the next day (it actually takes me weeks of training before my body can run an extra mile). Eating the wrong foods usually sets me back weeks.

I might be insensitive about the whole thing but don’t you *dare* tell me that getting surgery is harder than losing weight naturally. If that was the case, then why go through surgery?

One of my favorite professors in grad school used to almost always end her lectures about usability and user research with, “It’s not rocket science.” And in a lot of ways, she’s right. Doing the right thing for a user isn’t that complicated to figure out. And with some training, a lot of people could run usability studies. At the same time, my field sort of is its own brand of rocket science. There are a lot of factors that go into creating a good user experience. Sure, it may not be rocket science but it does require proper training, years of experience, and the right mindset to achieve. If it weren’t sort of like rocket science, you wouldn’t see so many products with poor usability.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Judy’s “not rocket science” comment in the context of losing weight. Like user research, losing weight isn’t rocket science - just eat less and exercise more. I hate that oversimplification of weight loss but on the surface it is true. At the same time, actually learning to eat less and exercise more is sort of its own brand of rocket science. At the root of losing weight is behavior modification, which is actually rather complicated and difficult. And I think what makes it even more complicated is that it is so different for every single person. There is no black and white reason why every person eats out of emotion or a magic bullet that can get everyone excited about exercise. For me, it has taken a long time, a lot of tries, and really just coming up with my own formula. My formula includes a lot of little things like wearing a pedometer, finding water bottles that I like, learning to cook, getting involved in fitness activities that I find challenging and exciting, identifying the factors that derail my progress, and changing the way I perceive myself and my lifestyle. But all those little things may not be the same for everyone. And all those little things are far more complicated than “eat less, exercise more.” That’s where the rocket science part comes in . . . sort of. ;)

In case I haven’t mentioned it, my birthday is coming up! And I’m going to Kauai, did I tell you I’m going to Kauai? I’m going to Kauai! I’m soooo excited about this birthday and this trip - I feel like I can’t stop talking about it or thinking about it. In case you’re just as excited about my birthday and feeling the sudden urge to give me a gift (in all likelihood, you’re probably wondering who is this person whose blog happens to be in my RSS reader? Noor? What Noor? What is this Noor you speak of?), here are the gifts I’ll appreciate (in no particular order):

• clothes - losing a lot of weight is great but I have to keep giving away clothes to the Goodwill. Gift certificates to help me replenish my wardrobe would be very much appreciated. REI, Banana Republic, Eddie Bauer, and J Crew are current favorites. I don’t like shopping at huge department stores but I can usually find something at Macy’s and Nordstrom.
• workout clothes - I spend a lot of time working out and even though I’m not an athlete, I like wearing workout clothes that make me feel like one! :) Gift certificates to REI, Macy’s (I’ve found that they sell some awesome Adidas workout pants that actually have pockets), Nike Store, and Title Nine would help in this area.
• personal training at 24 Hour Fitness - I haven’t had a personal trainer in over a year so some sessions with a personal trainer would help me freshen my resistance training routine
• spa/massage time - Of the few spas I’ve tried in the Bay Area, I really like Preston Wynne (in Saratoga) and The Four Seasons (in East Palo Alto) but I’m open to trying other places. I’m also staying here in Kauai so getting me some spa time while I’m on vacation would be pretty awesome, too.

And here are gifts that I don’t want (really I would much rather you didn’t get me anything at all than one of these):

• chocolate (or anything else that I love and can’t resist) - I love chocolate but I don’t want any large amounts of chocolate around (maybe if you get me a small single-serving of something, then maybe maybe I won’t hate you and think you’re an evil vindictive person who is trying to derail my progress)
• knickknacks - unless it is something totally awesome and I’m going to be like, “OMG THAT IS SO AWESOME,” I’m not a huge fan of knickknacks and I really hate clutter so save your candles/picture frames/etc for another person
• jewelry - I like jewelry but it isn’t something super useful that I need. I’d much rather you got me something from the above list.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And being a nerd, I also really like data and metrics. The very nature of weight loss (measurable results + need to pay close attention to details) doesn’t help my obsessiveness. During the past few weeks, I’ve gotten into the bad habit of weighing myself every morning. Weighing myself everyday is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I have up-to-date data about my progress as the week goes on. On the other hand, my body has weird fluctuations so on a day-to-day basis, I could go up and down regardless of how hard I’m working.

I think a huge part of the reason why I’ve been obsessively monitoring my weight lately is that I’ve been nearing two major milestones - going under a certain number on the scale (done!) and getting to the 60 pound mark (almost there!). I’ve had a hectic couple of weeks at work (planning for a field study and then running said field study) so my realistic goal has been to maintain my weight. Despite all of the stress of planning a study, I managed to lose a couple of pounds last week. Given that my field studies involve driving all over the Bay Area and interviewing people in their homes (sometimes during the evening), I wasn’t expecting to lose any weight this week. It is really hard to control what you’re eating when you’re driving so much (I feel like I’ve been living off of Cliff Bars this week) and it is harder to find time to exercise when your schedule drastically changes. My weight has been holding steady most of the week but this morning, it was about a pound less than last Monday’s (that’s another thing in my weight OCD, I only record my Monday weights - data from other days doesn’t count), which means that I’m 0.6 pounds away from hitting the 60 pound milestone!

I’m trying not to get too excited about it. After all, my weight on Monday mornings is the only one that counts! :) Moreover, I did go on a long/hard hike yesterday so the pound weight loss could be temporary and not real. And then there is that part of me that is wondering what I’d need to lose 0.6 pounds today so that tomorrow I can say that I’ve lost 60 pounds. LOL.

A few weeks ago, I started a new blog over at Blogger to document my weight loss process and my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. Instead of writing about that stuff here, I thought it might make things more organized if I had a separate blog for that kind of content. Deep down inside, though, I threw it on Blogger instead of here because it made me feel less exposed. It was sort of like I was putting it aside in some blog ghetto that isn’t as easy to find or discover as my main blog. Even though I’m far more comfortable than I’ve ever been talking and writing about my weight and my body, my project with my body still feels very personal. At the same time, though, I really don’t have much else to write about here. This project has consumed most of my time during the past couple of years and it has become such a huge part of my identity that it just felt wrong to have to maintain two blogs (one about my life and another about my weight loss) when the two things are essentially the same. I merged all of the weight loss content I had posted on the other blog into this blog. You can find those posts under the weight loss category.

. . . is coming up. To celebrate the last birthday of my twenties (and to do so in a way where it won’t suck) I decided to take myself on a vacation to Kauai. I’ve never been to Hawaii so I’m pretty excited. I’m just starting to do research and figure out what I’m going to do with my week in paradise. I think I’m going to spend most of my time hiking and “swimming” (well as much swimming as I can do with my pathetic swimming skills). I also need to find a nice restaurant for my birthday dinner. If you’ve been there and have suggestions, please leave me a comment. I’m also going to do some shopping tomorrow so let me know if you think there is anything special I may need while I’m there.

I first read Gina Kolata’s Rethinking Thin about two years ago. I was thinking about the book recently and wondered how I’d interpret it now, after having spent the last two years focusing on nothing else but losing weight. I reread it over the weekend and came away with different conclusions and rebuttals.

Rethinking Thin is extremely well-written and a very quick read. Kolata manages to make medical research accessible and I simply couldn’t put it down (but that may be because I’m so personally vested in the topic). I highly highly recommend it (especially if you’ve never struggled with your weight since it is pretty insightful). The book alternates between offering an overview of medical research into obesity and following a number of participants in a two year diet study at the University of Pennsylvania.

Throughout the book, Kolata emphasizes a number of points (some of which I agree with and some I have a very hard time believing):

• Overweight people face extreme societal burdens and prejudices (check)
• Losing weight is extremely difficult (check)
• Diets simply don’t work. There’s more to losing weight than “eat less, exercise more” (check)
• Some people are genetically more susceptible to being overweight (check) and hence can’t ever be thin, despite their best efforts at diet and exercise (I don’t buy this one)

At the time when I first read the book, I was just beginning to lose weight (and I believe I may have been stuck in a plateau). When I finished the book, that last conclusion left me pretty depressed and emotional. I identified so strongly with the dieters profiled in the book so Kolata’s conclusions about weight and dieting made me feel pretty hopeless.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. Before 2007, the most weight I’d ever lost was about 15 pounds and despite going through diet after diet (usually several times every year for as long as I can remember), I’d always gain back the weight and then some. My current behavior/lifestyle and current progress is very unusual given my own track record. And as I understand it, statistically I’m in a pretty small pool of people (I’ve lost more than 10% of my weight, I’ve kept it off for a while, and I’m sticking to a “diet” for longer than a few months).

Despite all the signs that make me think that I’m finally conquering it this time, my biggest fear is that I’ll eventually gain the weight back. That’s one of the reasons why I struggle with Kolata’s conclusion that some people are just meant to be fat. How depressing! Don’t tell me that after all the work I’m currently doing, I’m biologically destined to be fat for the rest of my life!

Based on my own experiences, I don’t think that’s exactly true - the situation simply isn’t that black and white. I do think I’m probably biologically more susceptible to being overweight. But it’s not like I’ve spent my whole life eating right and working out and was still fat. When I wasn’t dieting, I rarely exercised, didn’t eat the right foods, and ate way too much of the wrong foods. That had nothing to do with my biological makeup. Those were issues with my behavior and my lifestyle.

I agree with Kolata that dieting doesn’t work. However, I don’t think dieting doesn’t work because some people are just meant to be fat. Dieting doesn’t work because losing weight and maintaining weight loss isn’t a short term project. You simply can’t lose a lot of weight quickly by going on some crazy crash diet and expect your body and mind to follow. When you’re deprived of something, it becomes far more valuable and you start craving it even more.

Healthy weight loss has to be slow and it has to involve a lifestyle change. I know the whole lifestyle change thing sounds cliche but it really works. Only when I started thinking of myself as a healthy person, did it actually stick. It is now part of my identity and I simply can’t imagine changing that. And some things are just really fun (like hiking, running, riding a bike, swimming) and I wouldn’t want anything to get in the way of me enjoying those activities.

I also think that some people struggle with making these lifestyle changes because there is something deep down inside (emotionally) that’s keeping them from doing so. It is really hard to resist certain food when your mind is working against you. Food has an amazing power to sooth and comfort people. Fat and sugar are especially powerful (that’s probably why you don’t see too many people craving or binging on carrot sticks). It takes a really long time to identify emotional triggers around food and to learn to cope with them. When I really started listening to my mind and body, I came to identify the difference between being physically hungry and needing to be emotionally soothed. It’s pretty amazing how two very different signals can elicit the same response in me.

As much as people want to lose weight and as much as they try, it is simply impossible to do so without identifying and dealing with all the emotional baggage around self-image, weight, and food. Kolata doesn’t really talk about that much and it is a shame because her book is so right on in so many ways.

In terms of working out, this week has been perfect (in my eyes):

• Monday: 1 hour run on the Stevens Creek Trail (3 to 4 miles)
• Tuesday: 1 hour elliptical, 45 minutes resistance training
• Wednesday: 1 hour run on the Stevens Creek Trail (about 4 miles)
• Thursday: 1 hour elliptical, 45 minutes resistance training
• Friday: 1 hour elliptical, 20 - 30 minutes swimming
• Saturday: over 1 hour run on the Stevens Creek Trail (about 4 to 5 miles), 45 minutes resistance training

I consider this week perfect for a few reasons:

• I did at least an hour of cardio everyday
• I managed to get 3 resistance training workouts
• I even did a little swimming!
• I bumped up my cardio. The trail has some elevation changes, which are more challenging that my usual running route in my neighborhood. And when I didn’t run, I went to the gym, strapped on my heart rate monitor, and did the elliptical. I’d much rather workout outside but it isn’t a good idea to run everyday and just walking isn’t enough anymore.

In my eyes, a perfect week like this one would be topped off with a long hike or bike ride on Sunday. Since I still don’t have a bike, the bike ride probably won’t happen but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t rain and I’ll get to go on a nice long hike.

For the past couple of months, I’ve established a routine with fresh fruit (specifically, grapes and berries) that I’m finding makes my life a lot easier. About once a week (usually Sunday or Monday night), I’ll wash all of the grapes and berries that are in my fridge, divide them into one cup portions, and store them in portable containers or plastic bags. The whole process probably takes me 30 to 45 minutes but it really saves so much time later in the week. When I’m preparing my lunch or looking for a quick snack, there’s always something sweet and good for me ready in the fridge. Here are the detailed instructions with pictures!

Step 1: Gather fresh fruit.

Step 2: Gather portable containers and/or plastic bags.

Step 3: Wash fruits. I like combining all of the berries into one mixture.

Step 4: Divide the fruit into one cup portions. IKEA has some great small bowls that hold a little over a cup (pictured here).

Step 5: Pour contents of your IKEA one cup bowl into a portable container or plastic bag. Repeat until you’ve completed going through all of the fruit you’ve washed.

Step 6: Enjoy! Instant dessert and/or snack! I like combining the berry mix with Yoplait yogurt. I find the French Vanilla and Coconut Creme Pie to be especially awesome with berries.

The New York Times has a pretty good article about The Biggest Loser contestants, their food intake, and cooking. I was really surprised to hear that the contestants don’t have a chef or prepared meals. The article emphasizes my point about cooking your own food and its impact on losing weight. Overall, a pretty interesting read, especially if you’re a fan of the show.

For some crazy reason they chose to highlight the two vilest contestants in the show’s history: Vicky and Heba. BARF.