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Dreaming of Marwa

Posted on by Noor
3

My cousin Marwa died on October 17, 2011. Marwa was murdered by someone whom she should have trusted. The details surrounding her death are gruesome and I can only hope that she was gone long before she felt anything. I know she is in a better place.

Marwa’s death came as an unfortunate surprise to everyone in my family. During the past few weeks, I’ve gone through a multitude of emotions – everything from pure shock, sadness, grief, disbelief, helplessness, to anger. In this time, I’ve had two dreams about her that I find rather significant:

Dream #1:
I first dreamed of Marwa a few days after her passing. The dream starts off with Marwa dead and all of us being distraught over the news. But then suddenly she appears. She is sitting on a couch and tells me that she wasn’t dead but that she had been away at work for a few days. She looked very very young – much as she did during her 20s. She had a short haircut and her hair looked like it had been poofed and blow-dried (she looked very similar to photos I’ve seen of her from the 80s). She looked happy and healthy. She seemed very playful. She had a huge smile.

Dream #2:
I just woke up from the second dream (I know I had another dream about her last week but I can’t remember that dream). In this dream, Marwa had survived her attack. Someone in the family (perhaps my aunt?) was saying that people at the train station she frequented (this makes no sense in real life because I don’t think she had a daily train commute) were donating money at the train station to show their support for her. I was waiting for her at the train station and suddenly she appeared from one of the trains. She looked much as she did the past couple of years (she was older than she had been in the first dream). Her eyes looked tired but very sincere and thankful. She had a giant smile. She was walking very slowly and in a measured manner, the way that someone who has suffered a brain injury does. She looked like someone who had survived a very horrific event (or perhaps a long journey) but was just so so thankful to be alive. As she tries to make her way to me, I quickly rush over to her and grab her arm to support her. We make our way to my car. As I’m driving my car, I’m saying a lot of things about the situation (in that nervous meaningless chatter that you do when you’re still in disbelief but can’t think of anything better to say) but Marwa isn’t saying anything. She seemed resigned to the situation, almost like she understood it more than me. Towards the end of the car ride, I say something about how we don’t have that type of rage in our family and that’s why we can’t comprehend it. At this point, I’m trying to figure out a way to tell her that I think she should see a counselor or therapist because of what she experienced. But I don’t. We arrive at my aunt’s house and get out of the car. She enters by herself and is greeted by a lot of joy, grief, crying, and hugs. I enter the house a minute or two later. Someone (perhaps my mom?) recognizes that I’m there (saying something along the lines of “here’s Noor”) and then I woke up.

There’s a part of me that wants to believe that these dreams are a sign of her soul visiting me and telling me that she’s OK. There’s another part of me that thinks these dreams are just my subconscious mind working its way through my grief. I really really want to believe that its her and not my mind.

Marwa was beautiful, funny, caring, and elegant. Marwa had strikingly captivating eyes. When you looked at Marwa, all you really saw were her eyes. She had a great laugh, the sort of physical laugh where her head would roll back. She was honest, direct, and sometimes blunt. I liked that about her. With Marwa, what you saw is what you got. I first met Marwa in the late 80s during her first wedding. I was about 8 at the time and all I remember thinking is how much she looked like a princess in her wedding gown.

The last time I saw Marwa was July 2010 in Edwardsville. Both my sister and I were home and she and her daughter dropped by my parents’ house to say hi. She seemed very happy and she was her usual funny self. We all chatted for a while. She told us about how worried she had been about her daughter transitioning from a Montessori school to a public school. She talked about how much time she was spending talking to her daughter’s new teachers, so much so that the teachers immediately recognized her when she called. We laughed. A lot. Lady Gaga was in town and she had wanted to get tickets for her daughter but they were sold out. Marwa was an amazingly dedicated mother. Her daughter was her life.

Marwa will be (is) missed. Tremendously.

Reflections on Korea

Posted on by Noor
2

Last month, I had the awesome opportunity to spend about a week in Korea (South!) for work. I spent all of my time in Seoul (so my exposure to Korea and Korean culture is limited to that) and it was an incredibly amazing experience. It was my first trip to Asia so almost everything I saw and experienced was new, awesome, incredible, or all three. My ten minute walk from the hotel to the office was full of new sights and sounds (and picture-taking opportunities). There is something incredibly refreshing about international travel, mostly in how the smallest most mundane things can be so different yet make so much sense in their own context. I’m always left feeling that my perspective just got a tiny bit wider and then pondering things like, “Why don’t WE have digital bidets everywhere? And why don’t we serve Coke and Pepsi in glass bottles?” Digital bidets aside, I had enough interesting issues arise (mostly boring logistical issues) on this first trip that I figured I’d share them for anyone who might be interested (and to remind myself for possible future trips to Korea).

  • Pork. Koreans LOVE pork. I mean really really really love pork. So much so that I’m not sure a day (meal?) goes by without a pig contributing some part of its body to the nourishment of the Korean people. Pork is to Koreans as lamb is to Arabs (for the record, I rarely eat lamb). I do not eat pork and I wasn’t going to start in Korea. I’ve never had an issue avoiding pork in the US but it was nearly impossible to do so in Korea. I even ordered a “chicken and rice” dish at the cafeteria at work only to find that it had lots of little pieces of bacon thrown in (you know, because everything tastes better with bacon). I think I spent more time that week talking about pork and explaining why I don’t eat pork than I have in my entire life. I received so many quizzical looks over my not eating pork (if you’re curious, read this lovely little bit – although it might ruin bacon for you). For most people, this won’t make a difference so I’m mostly venting here. Bottom line – I was very happy to have brought along plenty of Cliff Bars with me since there were days when they composed the bulk of my nutrition.

    • a whole restaurant dedicated to pork

  • Water. Unlike pork, water wasn’t always served at the restaurants we visited. There were times when barley tea was served in place of water. We did always manage to get water when we requested it. That being said, if you really feel strongly about staying hydrated, make sure to carry your own bottle of water with you (luckily, bottled water was very easy to purchase from convenient stores like 7-11 and Family Mart).
  • English . . . or lack there of. Most of my Korean colleagues spoke English but most workers in shops or restaurants did not (the staff at The Ritz-Carlton spoke excellent English). I once tried ordering a chocolate eclair at a bakery by speaking slowly and pointing. My efforts were met with a big smile and a gesturing over of an English-speaking employee who promptly asked, “Can . . . I . . . help . . . you?” In retrospect, I wish I had picked up a phrasebook – if anything, just to point to what I was trying to say.
  • Rent an iPhone. Our office in San Jose loans out Korean cell phones for employees traveling to Korea. Since it was a pretty basic phone, I opted to not get one. I took my regular American iPhone and figured I could use it in a pinch. I had also been told about vendors at the airport that rent iPhones to travelers. I didn’t look into it when we arrived at the airport – mostly because I was tired and just wanted to get to the hotel. It turns out that American iPhones don’t work in Korea (due to the different cell phone networks) so my iPhone was totally useless in Korea. Since I was traveling with a group of co-workers, I was mostly OK spending a week without a smartphone (albeit not without a few withdrawal symptoms) but I really wished I had rented one of those iPhones. If anything, it would have been really useful to have access to GPS while walking around the city.
  • Don’t get accosted by a random cab driver at the airport. I was lucky enough to arrive in Korea with two of my colleagues, which made the entire experience far less daunting. The airport was fairly modern, efficient, and straightforward. However, after we got our bags and were debating our transportation options, a cab driver kept barking at us, “TAXI? TAXI?” We should have known better but before we knew it, he was rolling my bag and we were following him into the garage. This encounter could have ended very badly but we were lucky in that it only cost us a bit more for a cab ride. Since we didn’t get very far in the airport, I believe there is an official taxi stand elsewhere and Korean Airlines offers a very nice and super cheap limo bus service from the airport to Seoul hotels. I took the bus from the hotel to the airport and was pretty impressed with how nice and comfortable it was.
  • Taxis. Be aware that there are two types of taxis in Seoul – deluxe and regular. The deluxe tended to be nicer cars with leather seats (oh and they cost a lot more) – a bit similar to town cars in the US. Whenever the Ritz-Carlton hauled us a cab, it was always the deluxe variety. Elsewhere in Seoul, it was the regular taxi. Both taxis were fine – just be aware that if you’re in a really nice cab, you’re going to end up paying a bit more.

Aside from silly logistical issues, Korea is a beautiful country and I had a blast. I generally struggled with food (the whole pork thing + I’m picky) but Koreans make some awesome French pastries, fruit smoothies, and iced/frozen coffee drinks. I attribute that to their strong cafe culture.

In terms of shopping, I had so much fun buying cute (but super cheap) stationary and Hello Kitty goods. If you love stationary like I do, check out a chain of stores called ArtBox. They have a ton of fun notebooks and most of their goods were made in Korea (rather than China).

these ranged from $1 to $2

Since I was in Korea on business, I didn’t have a lot of time to be a tourist but we did manage to have one day off. We visited Gyeongbok Palace, the Insadong shopping district, and a very large Buddist temple. One of these days I hope to have some more free time in Korea to explore different parts of the country and all of its historical sites.

little girls bowing in front of baby Buddha

student loans, what student loans?

Posted on by Noor
2

I finally paid off my Michigan student loans late last week. It still hasn’t really sunk in yet. Paying off the small fortune that it took for me to go to grad school always seemed like such a far away dream. I’m relieved to no longer have a huge debt hanging over me but I have to admit, there is a tiny part of me that keeps thinking, “WHAT IF SOME MAJOR EMERGENCY OCCURS AND I NEED ALL THAT MONEY BACK?!?” I suppose that’s now incentive to continue to save. :)

As expensive as Michigan* was and as annoying as it was to make small and large payments** on my loans and still feel like I wasn’t going anywhere with them, I don’t regret going to school there and still think it was totally worth it. Grad school changed my life in a lot of ways and I’ll always look fondly on those two years. Michigan gave me a new career, a new life in California, and multiple interview opportunities over the past few years through my Michigan friends & contacts. Michigan introduced me to some amazing people, many of whom I still keep in touch with and consider friends for life. Most importantly, Michigan gave me a way out of a small town I hated and helped me realize so many of my childhood dreams. Go Blue!

* I should note that I was lucky in that I received funding through scholarships & assistantships three out of my four semesters at Michigan but I STILL had to take out a lot of loans for housing, books, & that totally unfunded last semester.

** If you’re wondering how I did it, it took making a lot of extra payments over the past five years. I started off with both a small private loan (due to that expensive last semester) and a large consolidated federal loan. The private loan (Sallie Mae I think) had a pretty high interest rate so it was my top priority when I first got out of grad school to pay that off first (I think I did that that first year out of school). The large federal loan took a long time to work through. Every time I got a little extra money (bonuses, tax refunds), I tried to put part of that money towards my loan. It finally got to the point where the remaining balance of the loan was low enough for me to bite the bullet and pay if off with my savings.

my internet diagnosis

Posted on by Noor
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So my right foot still hurts and it doesn’t feel like it is going to get better any time soon. I haven’t even done any cardio all week yet since I was hoping not working out would somehow fix it. At first, I was thinking that it might be a stress fracture but after thinking about my symptoms, that seems less likely. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday morning to get it checked out but I’m thinking it might be plantar fasciitis. I’m now more convinced that it is plantar fasciitis and not a stress fracture because:

  1. It hurts the worst when I first get up in the morning.
  2. It seems to hurt less when I wear shoes than when I’m barefoot.
  3. The pain seems to travel to different parts of my foot – it can be on the inside part of my heal or the outside part of my foot (a bit above my heal).

I’m actually kind of hoping that it is plantar fasciitis and not a stress fracture since it seems easier to fix/take less time to fix, I might still be able to run (just decrease my mileage), and may not require wearing an ugly boot. I know that last bit seems shallow but I have a good reason to not look dorky in the next few weeks.

Ouch!

Posted on by Noor
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I woke up yesterday with a sharp pain in my right foot. I can’t figure out what I may have done with my foot but the pain is still there today. I was at the doctor this morning getting a physical and mentioned it to her. She said to give it a week, do light impact cardio (aka no running), and see how it feels. If it doesn’t get better by next week, she thinks it might be a stress fracture.

I’m really hoping that it isn’t a stress fracture since that would mean no running for a while. I think I would still be able to do cycling & swimming, which might not be such a bad thing. In any case, it has only been a couple of days so I’m hoping the pain will just go away. And if it ends up being a stress fracture, it won’t be the end of the world. I really enjoyed spinning when I did it more regularly a few years ago so it will be good to get back into that. And my swimming really does need a lot of work so I’ll just have to find a good heated pool to join (I think there is a good one in downtown Mountain View).

I think the main difference with my attitude now about this instead of a couple of years ago when I was dealing with my IT band issues is that I know I’ll be able to recover from an injury and that running is something I can leave and come back to. And I can still lose weight/maintain my weight loss despite an injury.

In other news, I already got back my glucose results from this morning (so fast! still waiting on my lipids panel) and it was several points lower than it was last year, which really excited me. Given that my mom has diabetes and several of my relatives on her side have it, I’m always excited by good glucose numbers (especially after a vacation where I ate this). Yay me!

Protein. Protein. Protein.

Posted on by Noor
2

I made the mistake last week of having a food conversation with my trainer. I say mistake because I’ve come to learn over the past few years that trainers and athletic people tend to have very strict & skewed viewpoints on nutrition. When I first started this project (I *hate* the term “weight loss journey” so project it is until I can figure out a better term) in 2007, I had a crazy trainer/nutritionist who was obsessed with carbs & sugar. Any problem or symptom was always attributed to carbs & sugar. If I was tired during a workout, she always liked to jump to conclusions like I must have consumed too much sugar the day before. The reality was that we were training at 6 am, I’m not a morning person, and I could never get my act together to go to bed early & get enough sleep. After that experience (and a few other encounters), I’ve learned that a lot of people in the fitness industry are either not well informed and/or have their own disordered exercise & eating issues and I should take their advice with a grain of salt and do whatever feels best for me. Regardless, I’ve been struggling and figured it might help to get somebody else’s perspective on what I’m doing. Talking about food is still not the easiest thing for me to do but I managed to tell her what I’ve been eating. Her response was that I should completely cut out all starches, limit my fruit intake, up my protein & veggies, and focus on fruits that are lower in sugar.

I’ve never been a fan of high-protein/low-carb diets – they’ve never felt natural to me and seem really unbalanced and gimmicky. To completely cut out starches sounded so drastic and impossible to accomplish. But since I haven’t been making much progress, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try it. Here’s what my diet looked like when I strictly adhered to this plan:

  • breakfast – greek yogurt + berries/fruit or 2 eggs + berries/fruit
  • mid-morning snack – 1 cup baby carrots & some sort of protein (string cheese or lunch meat)
  • lunch – 6 cups salad + dressing (on the side) + 3-4 oz protein (canned tuna, grilled chicken, grilled swordfish, etc.)
  • afternoon snack – fruit (been trying to eat more apples for the fiber) + some sort of protein (almond butter, cashews, almonds, or string cheese)
  • dinner – more veggies (either salad or roasted veggies) + 3-4 oz protein

At first, eating this way was both hard but not as hard as I initially imagined. It was hard in the sense that it required me to get more creative and start cooking more often than I had been (there seems to be a correlation between weight/health & cooking). For instance, how can I compose a lunch that doesn’t involve bread? Or where do I get protein for my lunch if I hadn’t cooked the night before (canned tuna and the Whole Foods prepared foods section came in very handy)? And I think there was a part of me that felt like I was being punished because I felt like I wasn’t supposed to eat everything I was eating before. I’ve never done very well with any plan where I feel like I’m being restricted (this is why I can never count calories or do Weight Watchers) and I attribute that to the years of dieting I was put through at a very young age.

I tried this most of last week and this week and started noticing some things. The most visible was that I was having some really intense/painful headaches. It was pretty eye-opening to realize that I was withdrawing from a substance. The other thing I noticed was that my hunger was drastically different. For one thing, I didn’t get as hungry as before (rocket science, I know). But what was more interesting was that the hunger feeling itself was different – it was more physical and in my stomach. I wasn’t having the sudden drop in blood sugar type of hunger – the type of hunger where you can’t function until you get something else in your body. The physical hunger was more tolerable and balanced. I also noticed that I wasn’t craving sugars or carbs as much as I usually do. And all of that made it easier to make the extra effort to eat differently. I also managed to lose about five pounds last week, which is important to note for a few reasons:

  1. It has been a LONG time since I’ve lost 4 or 5 pounds in week.
  2. It has been a long time since I’ve lost any weight at all.
  3. I spent half the week in Orange County doing field research – so I was working some really long hours and grabbing food at odd times – I mention this because I usually gain a couple of pounds during those type of business trips.

Now most people would probably be ecstatic about losing five pounds in one week and leave it at that. Trust me, I *am* ecstatic but I also want to know *why* I lost that weight. I don’t know that I have any way to prove that my body is metabolizing protein differently from carbs and hence the weight loss. I do know that I’ve been eating far less than before – partly because I’m fuller, partly because my hunger is different, partly because I’m not craving sugar or carbs as much, and partly because I can’t see myself binging on grilled chicken or swordfish. All the food that gives me trouble (the foods that I classify as bingeable) tends to fall in the starch/carb category.

My main concern right now is my cholesterol . . . and as much as I love eggs, I don’t think I can eat another one for a while (the past couple of weeks have been very egg heavy). I decided this morning to introduce oatmeal into my diet. I figured this way my diet can be a bit more balanced. I’ve never been a huge fan of oatmeal – I didn’t eat it growing up so it has been an acquired taste. With the exception of the sweetened/flavored variety, it always tasted so bland to me. And the sweetened/flavored varieties are full of so much sugar that eating them negates the benefits of having oatmeal. But in any case, I figured I’d give it another shot. I made my plain oatmeal (instant rolled oats) in the microwave with some milk, a pinch of salt, some cinnamon, and some apples thrown. I was amazed at how good it tasted. I make note of this because I really do think my change in perspective could very well be due to me not eating much starch or sugar in the past couple of weeks. It is almost like my perception of what is sweet has changed. This is a very good thing. I’m hoping that the addition of oatmeal won’t block my weight loss – I suspect it won’t.

I’m going to try to continue to eat this way for at least a few more weeks – we’ll see how long I can keep it up.

OH HAI! I STILL HAS BLOG?

Posted on by Noor
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My life has been a bit crazy over the past few months. Crazy in all the ways that life can be crazy – good, bad, up, down, exciting, infuriating, blessed, delightful, heartbreaking. Above all else, it has simply been a stressful time with a tad bit more uncertainty than I’d prefer. I’ve been trying to stay optimistic and focused on the things that I can control. And I finally feel like things are looking up. In any case, here is a random list of things I did, am doing, or am planning to do that I’m super excited about:

  • I went to Santa Barbara for Christmas. I’ve been wanting to see Santa Barbara for such a long time so I decided to treat myself to a mini-vacation (a California staycation of sorts). It was exactly what I needed – a few days to see the ocean, hike, and walk around a new city. I really enjoyed it and can’t wait to go back for another weekend trip. People who don’t live in California always like to dis it and whine about the cost of living but I wouldn’t trade it for anywhere else in the country (well, maybe Hawaii). There is simply too much to see and do here (and so much that I’ve seen and done that I want to see & do again) for me to give it up. On a related note, I also went to Mendocino for New Year’s weekend but that sucked so I’m pretending like it never happened. :)
  • I’ve been seeing an awesome personal trainer. It has only been a couple of months but I really like working out with her. I see her once a week but she manages to both kick my ass and motivate me to workout more. Aside from getting a good workout, I’m also working with her on improving my running. Much of the problems I’ve had with my left leg/IT band over the past couple of years are probably tied to both my gait & not having strong enough glutes/core to support my running.
  • I’m trying to get back on track with my weight loss. The stress of the past few months have made it really hard to maintain my weight loss – let’s just say my ice cream intake was considerably higher than usual. I ended up gaining back about 13 pounds and have been really struggling with taking them off. But I’ve finally started losing weight again last week so I’m hoping that momentum will keep me going. I really wish I was losing these 10ish pounds to get to the 90 pound milestone rather than just getting back to the 80 pound milestone but that’s irrelevant at this point. It was a hard few months and I did my best to deal with it. And it doesn’t matter now because this *is* the year where I’ll get to my goal weight – I just know that that is what I’m going to do.
  • I’m going to Kauai again for my birthday! I can’t believe I’m going to be there NEXT week!!! So excited – I’ll write more about it in another post.
  • I’ve been consistently running a 5 or 10K race once a month since September. I’ve even started tracking my races online (I haven’t added my February race on there yet). I’m even running a 10K race in Kauai on my birthday and I also signed up for Bay to Breakers. I’m super excited about both races. Even though I’ve been mostly going to them by myself, I really love that experience. I just feel so proud and accomplished once I’m done. Here I am doing something I never thought was possible a few years (and not only doing it but enjoying it, too) – it doesn’t get more awesome than that.
  • I’ve signed up for a PHP class at Stanford. I’ve found that I really enjoy taking continuing studies classes at Stanford – they’re kind of overpriced considering my other options but I’m a snob about schools and that campus is just so gosh darn gorgeous. I’ve always wanted to learn PHP and I haven’t used that side of my brain in a long time so I figured it might be fun do some web programming again. And it is only 5 weeks so if I hate the language or the class sucks, it won’t be the end of the world.

Moving to Tumblr.

Posted on by Noor
1

I’m about 90% sure that I’m going to start using Tumblr for my blog. If you read this blog through RSS, please grab the RSS feed from here:

http://dorkyspice.tumblr.com/rss

If you read this blog through this site, I’ll set up forwarding sometime soon.

UPDATE: never mind! I never got around to looking into Tumblr so I think I’m going to stay here for now.

See Noor Run

Posted on by Noor
1

Until recently, I never understood why runners felt the need to participate in races. Even though I’ve been running for a few years, I didn’t have a strong desire to run a 5K or 10K race. I know I’m not fast enough to ever win so I didn’t understand why I’d want to wake up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning just to do the same running workout I could do another time of the day or day of the week.

Mulder inspects my race bib

A couple of months ago, one of my co-workers and friends talked me into running a 5K race that was being held on the Microsoft campus. I figured I’d give it a try since I didn’t have to train for it and since I’d have a friend there to run it with me. I didn’t have high expectations for the race – in fact, I was nervous that my body would somehow become incapable of running the 3 miles (even though that’s a distance I’ve been pretty comfortable running the past few years). But I’m really glad I ran that first race. I somehow managed to run my best that day (my time was 33:24, which is a lot faster than my usual 38ish minutes) and I can now say I GET IT! The whole atmosphere was really fun and motivating. Sure, there were the people who were taking it a bit too seriously – running laps and over doing it with the stretching (seriously, people – you’re running on the Stevens Creek Trail in Mountain View!). But there were people of all sorts of ages, sizes, and fitness levels and most seemed to be there to have some fun and do something healthy on a Sunday morning. Running for me has always been a solitary activity – just me, my iPod, that reassuring pounding of my feet and heart, and my thoughts. But when I ran that race, I felt a great sense of community and the motivation to push myself to do my best. I’m never going to be an athlete but that day, I felt like one. It may sound silly but there was just something really empowering (and kinda cool) about getting a little race bib and going through the rituals of a race (lining up at the start line, being given my time after that first mile, having high school kids cheering the runners on during the course, and crossing that finish line). I never participated in sports as a child so my only experiences with group fitness activities were those awful PE classes with PE teachers barking orders. That 5K race was a totally different and positive experience for me. I finally understood what I had been missing.

After running that race, I decided that I want to run 5 and 10K races on a more regular basis. For now, my goal is to run one race a month. To try to minimize injuries, I think I’m going to alternate between the two distances. I’m going to hold off on attempting a half-marathon and marathon until I’m closer to my goal weight. I ran my first 10K race last weekend (my time was 70:30 – about 5 minutes faster than my usual training pace) and I’m running a little 5K run tomorrow morning at Stanford. I’m hoping I can improve my 5K time tomorrow morning but I’ve been under a lot of stress lately so aiming for under 35 minutes might be more realistic.

I think these races are going to be really important for me as I maintain my weight loss, especially during annoyingly long plateaus like the one I’ve been experiencing most of this year. These races keep me focused on training and remind me of how far I’ve come so far.