As I was working out this evening, my iPod played Silence, one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs and one that I haven’t listened to in a while. I’ve listened to that song countless times but I don’t remember really listening to the lyrics or thinking much about them:

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I’d get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

One of the reasons why I adore Sarah and her music is that she always seems to come up with lyrics that just summarize so much of my life experiences - my truths. And even when I’ve listened to a song a million times, I can come back to it and find something new like I did tonight.

I’ve been having a weird past few weeks - I seem to bounce back and forth between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism. I’m getting close to turning 30, which is making me wonder about what I have and haven’t accomplished in the past decade and what I really want out of my life in the next decade. As tough as the last decade has been, it has been the best ten years of my life. I may think I didn’t get enough done but I have to remind myself of where I started.

Shortly after I turned ten, my family ended up in the US and my parents lost everything they had ever worked for in Kuwait. Nothing makes a decade suckier than going through puberty, all while trying to forge a new life in a new country, learning a new language, and oh yeah your parents are now suddenly broke. SURPRISE! I can’t think of a situation more suited for building rage in a kid. My teens may have been the worst years of my life but things started turning around in my twenties - I became a citizen, voted for the first time, graduated from college without any student loan debt, went to grad school and met some amazing people, graduated from grad school with a hefty student loan debt :), moved to the Bay Area, got the sort of job that I didn’t think somebody of my background could ever attain, and lost a bunch of weight. Not bad for the girl who had to figure out on her own how and when to study for the SATs and how to go to college for free.

I don’t have everything figured out yet and the rage in me hasn’t totally subsided but I do think I’m getting there. Once I stop beating myself up about what I haven’t accomplished before my 30th birthday, I’ve got a pretty good feeling about this new decade. I think (well at least hope) that this will be the decade where I finally reach my goal weight. And I’m hoping this will be the decade where I finally meet some new people out here (it seems hard to believe that I’ve lived here for three and a half years and am still about as lonely as when I first got here) and manage to find that guy whom I’m going to share the rest of my life with. Mulder & Scully are great for cuddles but they’re not so great for intelligent conversations. I want the next ten years to be the time when I grow my career, feel fulfilled in my work, and secure my financial future - pay off my student loans and buy a cute little condo. And I want to get more serious about all the creative things that make me me - my art, photography, and writing.

So far, 2010 has been promising. I think I might finally be back on track for losing weight (as opposed to maintaining my weight or gaining and losing the same five pounds). I’m back to running 2 - 3 times a week for 3 to 4.5 miles and my leg doesn’t seem to be bothering me as much. And I’m really really looking forward to Maui in March. :)