The Desert of My Dreams

Fray is currently accepting submissions for stories along the theme of “Geek: Stories of People Taking Things Too Seriously.” Admittedly, I’m a geek about a lot of things but my obsession with Sarah McLachlan probably sets me apart from other geeks. In any case, here’s the story I submitted to Fray.

It all started when I was a sophomore in college. I was listening to Sarah’s (we’re on first name basis) Mirrorball CD and Fear came on. At the time, I was going through a deep depression, unsure of who I was or the purpose of my life.

“But I fear I have nothing to give.”

That was it. As soon as I heard that lyric, it was almost like Sarah was speaking directly to me. At that moment, I was no longer an average music fan. I became obsessed. I needed to get my hands on anything and everything Sarah. I started listening to all of her previous releases and conducting as much online research about her as possible. What was the meaning of each lyric? Had I interpreted them correctly? Was she really talking about what *I* was going through? What is she up to right now? When is the next CD coming out? What do you mean she’s on a hiatus between records?!?

At some point, I discovered that there was lots of Sarah merchandise to be had on eBay – autographed photos, magazines with Sarah on the cover, t-shirts, magnets, posters, singles, and rare CDs. I had to have it all! I started bidding on all sorts of items, only bounded by my limited college student income. Items started coming in from all over North America, and with each bringing me a bit of joy as I learned more about Sarah and her music. After a few months of serious bidding, I became an eBay snob of sorts. Not any item will do – I had my standards. Some items were clearly put together for eBay consumption – such as the framed CDs and signed posters/photos. My standard became that it had to be an original authentic item, not one fabricated for the sole purpose of eBay auctions. Plus I already had one of those framed CD/signed photo combos and how many could one possibly need? I started focusing mainly on collecting her singles and any CD where she appeared, including compilations and soundtracks. My collection of Sarah-related CDs grew to well over 50 CDs. According to iTunes, I have 297 songs by Sarah – that’s 1.51 GB and 23.4 hours of Sarah. I have six versions of Fear, which is impressive except when compared to the 16 versions of Possession I own in my digital Sarah collection.

While looking for Sarah information online, I stumbled upon the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy email list, a community of Sarah fans named after one of her major releases. I subscribed to the list and found people even geekier and snobbier about their obsession of Sarah than me. I became a “Fumbler” and learned even more about the subtleties of Sarah’s music. I argued about the best CD, the best track, the best version of a certain track, and the length of Sarah’s hair. Looking back on it all, I’m amazed how much stuff we found to discuss given that Sarah wasn’t actually doing anything newsworthy.

During the height of my obsession with Sarah, I even traveled to Canada to see Sarah perform at a couple of benefit shows. Both experiences were amazing and I’m glad I put forth the extra effort to attend.

Eight years after the start of my Sarah fandom, I’m still subscribed to the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy list and I still passively follow her news online (she’s on another hiatus between records). I can’t remember the last time I bid on a Sarah item on eBay and it has been about four years since I last saw her perform live. I still listen to a lot of Sarah – my CD alarm clock wakes me up every morning to the sounds of Plenty, my shower CD clock radio blares Sweet Surrender as I get ready in the morning, and my favorite Pandora station shuffles through Sarah and other related artists as I work every day.

Oh and my small one bedroom apartment has three framed Sarah posters hanging on the walls.