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I woke up this morning to find that this here blog and the blog over at my portfolio site are being blocked by Google for being “attack sites.” I’m not sure how long they’ve been blocked because it wasn’t like anybody notified me. I just happened to pull up my blog (whatever it was I wanted to do I totally can’t remember anymore) when I saw a scary warning in my browser. I tried refreshing and even switched to another browser but that didn’t help. After doing a bit of digging around, I concluded that it probably had something to do with my WordPress installations (the blog software I use) and started cleaning up old web directories and installing the latest WP build. I should note that I’m really simplifying this entire process which involved way too many annoying steps, switching between two laptops, periods of breaks to go do other things that I actually planned on doing today that did not involve WordPress or blogs, and plenty of moments of panic, anger, and sheer frustration. It looks like Google has lifted the ban on this blog but not on the one on my portfolio. I fixed up the blog on my portfolio just a few hours ago so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will be back to normal tomorrow morning.
I went for a run in the midst of all this mess to clear my mind and actually accomplish the workout that I had planned on doing today before this whole stupid thing started. As I was running, I started thinking very seriously about just shutting off both of my blogs. I’ve never been very good about blogging on my portfolio – I never seem to have enough things to say about technology that I would be willing to share in public, rather than express more privately at work. I do blog here on a more frequent basis but that’s not saying much. I’m no longer an uninhibited 21 year old sharing any little thought that comes across my mind (I don’t even do that on Twitter or Facebook). I’m far more concerned than I ever have in my life about my privacy and the image I present online. This sort of stuff used to be really fun for me but I no longer get much pleasure around crafting my own little online identity. I really can’t think of a place online right now that is as private, anonymous, and fun as blogging used to feel. Now I just think about who will read it and what they’ll think or if whatever awesome idea or revelation I have will be stolen by somebody else.
But for whatever reason, I can’t see myself shutting down this blog anytime soon. Maybe it is because I’ve had some sort of blog for nine years. But I also think there is something very attractive about this format itself – the promise of an audience (but judging by the comments I don’t get, I don’t think anybody actually reads this blog anymore) and that dream that one day this blog could become something more (even though I know that building a popular blog requires a lot of hard work and luck).
Sometimes I wish I could just get myself to write all the ideas and thoughts I have floating in my head in my paper journal or the Word document I started about a year ago to kick off writing a book about my various life experiences. But for whatever reason, I’m more likely to write here than I am in either of those places, which I find rather perplexing. After all, what is so different about this giant text box than the giant text box in Word?! I have a couple of ideas (lack of editing tools make writing faster + notion that somebody might leave a comment) but I’m not 100% sure. I am hoping that this little incident will get me to dust off that Word document to write about those things that I just can’t share here (heck something happened just a few days ago that is blog-worthy but not appropriate for public consumption).
I spent most of this last weekend at home with a really ugly cold/cough. You know the type of cold where all you want to do is just sleep, watch TV, drink juice, and eat some soup. It sucked. And since I couldn’t really do anything other than watch TV and movies, I ended up watching the entire first season of Jersey Shore. I’d never seen the show before and was kind of hoping I could somehow avoid watching it. But I was sick and it was entertaining so I figured it was an excusable offense. So as I was watching Jersey Shore I got to thinking about the cast members’ aimless lives. And I got to thinking about how I don’t think I’ve ever had a time in my life where I just did nothing like that. It seemed like such a privilege to have a month (or more) in your young adult life where you don’t have that many/any responsibilities. It is the sort of thing I wish I had the opportunity to do when I was in college or right after I graduated from college. And then I got to thinking that if I had an opportunity like that, I probably wouldn’t just waste it away sleeping in late and going out clubbing every night. I really would just love to spend some time traveling, especially in Europe. I started thinking that I can still do that – even though I’m not in my twenties anymore.
So I started thinking about taking a month or two off at some point in the next few years to travel through Europe. The more I thought about the idea, the more excited I got about it. The only real issue is that I’m having hard time seeing how I could pull it off from a financial standpoint. Aside from all the expenses I would incur traveling, I’d still need to pay my rent in California. And who would take care of Mulder & Scully?!? And how would I feel being away from home for so long? And how would I feel being in non-English speaking countries?
So then I started thinking that perhaps a good first step would be to take some French classes and plan a 10-day or 2-week trip to France. I’ve never been to France and I always dreamed about going. A couple of weeks in France is more doable from a financial perspective (especially in the short term) and it would give me a feel for what it would be like to be somewhere where I’m not super comfortable with the language. I know I can travel on my own and I know that I can travel overseas on my own but I haven’t had much experience where I’m not as familiar with the language or culture (my travels in the Middle East don’t count).
For now, my general plan is to go September 2011 – I’m hoping to avoid the tourist peak season and school groups (and keeping my fingers crossed the weather will be warm enough still). I’m planning on signing up for a French class at Stanford this fall. I think I might also pick up some guidebooks this weekends.
SO EXCITED.
One of the things I’ve been doing to commemorate losing 80 pounds is collecting 80 pounds of food to donate to Second Harvest. For the past few weeks, every time I’d go to the grocery store, I’d also pick up a bunch of stuff from Second Harvest’s most needed foods list and their child-friendly foods list. This exercise has been really fun but also introspective in a number of ways. As I was shopping for the child-friendly food, it took me back to being a 10 year old kid and those first few years when my family first arrived in the US. Things were pretty tough and even though I knew that – I think a part of me had forgotten a little bit what that was like. Buying that food started feeling a lot more personal – not just this distant abstract act of giving. It was like coming full circle. Knowing that I now can help somebody else is pretty awesome and amazing.
As the food started to accumulate in my spare bedroom, it really started to hit me just how much weight I’ve lost. I’ve always wished there was a physical way that I could see the weight coming off of me. Yes, I can look through old photos or know that my clothes are getting bigger but it was all just so abstract. I’ve mentioned in the past that I wished I could just wake up every morning and see blobs of fat detached from my body. In some ways, this food kind of represents that. It is heavy, physical, and even kind of represents a body. It even got more crazy when I bagged it all. I guess it just makes me realize just how far I’ve come and that I’ve accomplished something pretty incredible.
I’m planning on donating it tomorrow morning – it will be interesting to see how the physical task of loading and unloading that amount of food will make me feel.
I’ve been meaning to blog about my mini-vacation to Yosemite but since it has been a few weeks I don’t know that I have much to say anymore. One of my friends from grad school whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years was coming to the area and wondered if I’d be interested in heading out to Yosemite for a few days. I *heart* Yosemite so I wasn’t going to pass up on the opportunity to go hiking with her.
It was my third Yosemite trip and the only time I was there longer than a weekend. I found Yosemite as enchanting as usual but I can’t say that this trip was my favorite. Even though we were there for four days, I found our time there a bit stressful – partly due to the lousy weather and partly due to our accommodations. It rained the first couple of days we were there and it was really cold, especially at night.
It was nice to see some snow but I really hate being outside when it is cold. All of my exercise respiratory issues seem to worsen in the cold and I end up hiking with a non-stop runny nose. Not fun. We stayed in a heated tent cabin in Curry Village, which was like a few steps up from camping but not enough steps up for me to not wish I was staying in a hotel. Don’t get me wrong – the heated tent cabins in Curry Village are great for people who like to camp. I don’t like camping. I love being outside hiking all day and getting dirty and sweaty but after a long day of hiking, I want to come back to a warm room with a clean comfy bed and a nice clean hot shower. I don’t want to unload all of my food and toiletries into a bear locker. I don’t want to sleep with layers of blankets. I don’t want to use a communal shower facility. I don’t want to have to wear my boots and bundle up just to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Now I knew about all of these things before we went since I had been camping once before with some of my grad school friends (well, I had forgotten about the bathroom in the middle of the night problem) but I think part of me wondered if I’d enjoy camping (and yes I know Curry Village does not count as camping) now that I was into hiking and enjoying the outdoors (something I wasn’t into when we went camping in grad school). Umm, I still don’t get it. All that stuff just feels more stressful to me than relaxing or fun. On the plus side, this was my first stay inside the park, which made the experience far more convenient. I’ll have to make sure that I always stay in the park (and in a hotel :) when I venture out there again.
We managed to get some great hikes in: Hite Cove (just outside of Yosemite), Mist Trail to the top of Vernal Falls, Lower Yosemite Falls, Columbia Rock, Mirror Lake, and Inspiration Point. The waterfalls were pretty amazing this time of the year but I think we missed the height of wildflower season. I really hated the hike to Vernal Falls. I have an unexplained fear of rocky trails and the 600 rock steps (in rainy weather, on top of the usual mist from the falls) were pretty scary for me. I am glad I had purchased a couple of trekking poles from REI right before the trip because they made me feel more comfortable (I was still terrified and stressed). Hiking to Columbia Rock and Inspiration Point were my favorite of the trip, and a couple of my favorite hikes ever. It was my first time hiking to Columbia Point and my second attempt hiking the Inspiration Point Trail. When I hiked the Inspiration Point Trail last year, I found it rather underwhelming – but that was because my friend (a different friend from grad school) and I made it to the top but didn’t actually make it to the Inspiration Point, which was rather inspiring. I’m glad we found it this time around so that I can actually appreciate the trail.
Overall, I’m really glad I took a few days off work and got to enjoy Yosemite one more time. I feel really blessed to live so close (a mere four hours!) to such a gem. I’m hoping to visit Mariposa Grove during my next visit, whenever that may be. And one of these days I’ll make it out to Sequoia & Kings Canyon National Parks.
What a great way to start the weekend – I finally got to 80 pounds! Technically, I’m down 80.6 pounds since January 2007, which is pretty amazing given this statistic:
Only about 20 percent of obese or overweight people who lose at least 10 percent of their initial body weight can keep it off for at least a year.
I don’t have much else to say other than I’m pretty excited and proud of myself. Yay me!
Can’t wait for 90.
ONE MORE TIME!
I’ve got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body, ’cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
- Regina Spektor – Folding Chair
I haven’t hit the 80 pound mark yet but I’m getting very close. I won’t say how close I am because I don’t really want to jinx myself. I’ve even been debating this post the last week or so because I’m worried that by blogging about it, it won’t actually happen. Silly, I know.
In any case, I’m really hoping that I get to 80 pounds sometime this week or next. It feels like I’m inching towards the 80 pound mark but I’m feeling more excited than frustrated (sort of like that feeling when you’re looking forward to something exciting like a vacation). Part of the excitement is that I’ve broken through to a set of numbers on the scale that I haven’t seen in a long time. If my memory is correct, I’m now back to what I weighed as a freshman in high school. It is exciting to think about what that really means for me as an adult, not a 15 year old kid. Sometimes I look back to when I had reached my highest weight at 25 or 26 years old. Even though I wanted more than anything to be normal, I don’t know that I really believed that it was possible to get to where I am right now. I’m proud of what I’ve done but I do get frustrated thinking about how much more I’ve got to go. I *hate* that even with all the weight I’ve lost I’m still viewed as just another fat person. I keep thinking that I’ve lost all this weight and I’m still in the same category. I just wish that it was apparent to other people that I’m now this really healthy active person.
I have to remind myself that when I was 26, I probably would have given anything to be where I am right now. In fact, I think I used to get annoyed by people who are at my current weight and whined about being fat. The 26 year old version of me would have smacked the 30 year old version of me and told her to shut up and stop whining. And it is funny to think that I was miserable in this body at 15 and here I am fifteen years later and just so thrilled to have this same body back. I can look at myself in the mirror and be amazed by little things (like how my neck and shoulders look) and just feel so blessed that I somehow made it happen.
Perspective is a funny thing (my HCI education is compelling me to make a reference of looking at things through a different “lens”).
But despite all the mixed feelings that this number is bringing up, I really am looking forward to getting to 80 – mostly because I really want to do the following things:
- Donate 80 pounds of food. I’ve been thinking for a while that I wanted to do this once I reached my goal weight but since my goal weight is still far off, I want to do it now! I actually want to try to do this for every ten pounds that I lose until my goal weight. So once I get to 90 pounds, I want to donate another 90 pounds of food. Now some of you may remind me that food pantries would be better off with me making a donation rather than buying the food myself from the grocery store but WHAT FUN WOULD THAT BE?!? There is an emotional component here – I need to see what 80 pounds of food looks like. I need to collect it, weigh it, and carry it in.
- Get a 90 minute hot stone massage. I’ve never had a hot stone massage before so I really want to try it.
- Buy an 8th water bottle. I’ve been collecting SIGG water bottles to represent my weight loss – one for each 10 pounds. Since I drink a lot of water, it is a fun little collection.
- Buy new running shoes. My running shoes could probably go for another month or two (I bought my current pair right before my injury so I don’t have a good sense of how much mileage I’ve put on them) but I figured that would be a nice (and pretty useful) treat.
Remember my post in February about how I was feeling like I was progressing again and feeling really positive about my weight loss?
Yeah, umm, that was nice for like a few weeks. If only losing weight was always so consistent and great all the time.
Most of February was actually a real good month for me – I managed to get to 76 pounds and it was starting to feel a bit effortless. And when you’re consistently losing weight, it really does keep you going emotionally and mentally. I was really getting excited about getting to 80 pounds. I was only four pounds away – that’s like two to four weeks. It was awesome to feel like I was actually going to reach the next milestone.
But then I went to Dallas for a week. And ran 12 two-hour in-home interviews in 5 days.
For the non user researchers in the room, that means a lot of time spent in the car driving from one session to the next and trying to squeeze in meals between sessions. And as much as I *love* in-home interviews, they’re more complicated than other methods – you’re carrying a lot of equipment, you’ve got a ton of paperwork with you (and you’ve got to keep that organized), you’re visiting people you’ve never met before and in their homes, and did I mention that you’re driving around a city you don’t know and trying to get to people’s homes on time? And you’re hoping none of them turn out to be ax murders?!? And you’re taking pictures, running a video camera, taking notes, following your interview script, and making sure you probe and follow-up as necessary and get all the data you’re there to get. And oh yeah, when you get back to your hotel at 9 PM, you should check your email because there might be something super important you need to respond to.
These studies really can get stressful and I’m usually mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day (but it is still my favorite method). I usually don’t do that well weight-wise when I run these even when I’m in the Bay Area.
I really wanted to minimize the damage that week – my goal was to maintain my weight. I even took my scale with me, hoping that weighing myself everyday would keep me on track. Unfortunately that didn’t work. What keeps me on track at home isn’t having my scale available to me everyday – it is having a routine, a kitchen, and time to prepare and plan my meals. I was actually doing pretty well the first couple of days – I went to a grocery store and got some healthy snacks and I made fairly good choices when I was eating out. But then mid-week, it all went downhill when I started running three sessions per day – that meant leaving the hotel around 9 or 10 AM and coming back around 9 PM. Even though I managed to exercise everyday that week, it didn’t make a difference. I was super stressed, tired, and didn’t have as much time as usual to think about what I was going to eat. I ended up gaining four pounds. Back to 72 pounds.
I was back home for a week and managed to lose two pounds. Back to 74 pounds.
Then I went to Maui for ten days and I went into vacation mode. It wasn’t like it was an all out binge – I did make lots of good choices but I also wanted to eat ice cream everyday. And despite being super super active, I ended up gaining 2 pounds. Back to 72 pounds.
Four extra pounds isn’t really that hard to lose but for whatever reason, I’ve been struggling with it ever since I got back from Maui. I keep going back and forth – lose a pound, gain a half pound, etc. It is really really frustrating. And I get even more disappointed when I think that I got to 70 pounds in October – so my net weight loss in the past six months is just two pounds.
UGGGGHHHHH.
And I have more travel next week since I get to go to CHI this year. I’m really excited about CHI since its my favorite conference – I get to catch up with people I went to school with, see some cool demos, and get inspired by some amazing research. As much as I love CHI, I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to maintain my weight next week. I do feel like I’m a bit more prepared right now than I was for Dallas or Maui so I’m trying to stay optimistic. I’m not taking my scale with me but I’m planning on taking my cereal, almonds, raisins, and Cliff Bars with me. At least that way, my breakfast will be almost identical to what I eat at home. My breakfast protein source is usually peanut butter not almonds but apparently the TSA thinks that’s a gel or paste or something. And even though I prefer fresh fruits to raisins or Cliff Bars, I can’t really pack the produce aisle with me.
I’m also hoping my new visual food journal project will help keep me on track. I got the idea after reading this article in the New York Times about the food photography trend. I’m going to commit to posting a picture of everything I eat (not counting water or diet soda) for the next year. My hypothesis is that if I have to post a photo of everything I eat in a public forum, I’m more likely to eat healthier. I think the act of taking a picture will probably cause me to pause a bit and think about what I’m eating. And then there’s the whole social judgment thing.
I was thinking the other day about how at this time in my life there are some things that I’m pretty certain of. These my truths, my facts. The funny thing is that I don’t think that I’ve always been so certain of these things and my truths have certainly changed over the years. With the whole turning 30 thing, I figured this was a good time to write down the things I’m certain of right now. I think it would be interesting to look back on them in a few years (or maybe in a year or heck a few months).
- I enjoy what I do. I like conducting user research and thinking about ways to make an interface easier and more elegant to use. I also have a pretty clear sense of the types of research/work that I like to do and that I’m good at and the direction I want to take with my career.
- I can’t see myself living anywhere other than the Bay Area. I feel blessed to live in an area that is as vibrant, fun, sunny, and active as the Bay Area. Regardless of how much or how little I go out, I think I’m always going to have a long list of trails I want to hike, museums I want to visit, towns I want to explore, and restaurants I want to check out.
- I need sunshine and nice weather. I’ve been spoiled by the Bay Area’s weather and it really bothers me when it is cold or rainy. I feel so much better about anything and everything when the sun is out.
- I can’t live without a cat. If you want to feel loved, get a cat. Or two.
- Right now, I fear that I may have been made to be a single-serving. And everybody knows that two Twinkees are better than one (well at least that seems to be the basic premise Hostess takes in packaging all of their products).
- I need to go outside and be inspired by nature. I feel more blessed and in touch with the world when I witness something amazing outside (like all of Yosemite’s indescribable beauty or that amazing bamboo trail I hiked in Maui).
- I need to be inspired by art, music, and movies. I don’t like consuming art, music, and movies just for the sake of consumption or entertainment. I like feeling like I’ve learned something about the world or myself after experiencing some awesome painting, concert, or movie.
- I don’t want to get a PhD/be an academic. There was a time in my life when I was pretty certain that that was the direction I wanted my career to take and that eventually I’d go back and work towards getting a PhD. I’m now pretty certain that that is not what I want to do with my life. It really boils down to lifestyle and financial security. I like having a lifestyle where I have free time to workout and enjoy life. I’m not sure I’d have as much time to do that sort of thing in a PhD program. Once I’m done paying off my student loans from Michigan, I don’t ever want to have to deal with student loans ever again. Time spent in a PhD program is time spent not making money, aquiring debt. When I was working on my masters, it was easy to think that getting a PhD would be the next thing – I simply didn’t have as much to lose. And now I do.
- I used to be pretty certain that I want to have kids at some point in my life. I’m not so certain anymore. Kids are cute and all but they take a lot of time and commitment. I like having the freedom and independence that I have. I’m not sure I want to give that up.
So those are the things that I’m pretty certain of right now. I’m sure they’ll change but this is me right now at 30.